you could be happy

Spring Feelings

John and his dad worked on our property all day today. It's a nice feeling that as soon as the snow melted, they were both ready to jump back into the project. It makes it seem like we will really be in our very own home this Summer. I absolutely know that once we are I will have a generally happy deposition. Like I've said a million times, I get easily stressed while living with a whole bunch of extra people, so it will be blissful to finally have our own space and privacy and freedom. I get really excited about putting work into the home, specifically the yard. I plan on building a few gardens, and littering the lining of our property with sunflowers. Trespassers will get stung by bees. We have our first patch of flowers sprouting up in John's parent's garden right now, and when we're ready we can transplant them. There's also plenty of gigantic boulders laying around that I can clean and paint on. Another thing I am looking forward to is having a whole house to roam. I'm tired of being trapped in our bedroom and having to fit the majority of our shit into here. Kendrick gets into everything! It will be so much easier when I can babyproof our home (nothing's baby proofed here) and Kendrick will have room to play. I want to take really great care of my home and to make it a beautiful place to relax, create, learn, grow and love. Anyway, I am really grateful for all the hard work they are putting in. They decided to take on a lot of the labor to cut down the costs. They're about half way done with the driveway (longest driveway I have ever seen!), the well is done, we need the foundation, electric and sewer and we will be set.
sad day

Writer's Block: Nothing ventured, nothing gained

What is the biggest mistake of your life so far? What did you learn from it?

The BIGGEST mistake? God, there are so many. Of course (blah blah) I don't regret any of them since (blah blah) they have led me to where I am now.

I will have to say SUBSTANCE ABUSE was my biggest mistake. Spread out over six years, substance abuse was the root of all the mistakes I have made.

And trying to kill myself. Like six times. That was really dumb, and if I ever try to kill myself again, I'll make sure not to overdose on prescription pills. Because it doesn't work, and you're all the more brain damaged for it. I don't think I'll try to kill myself again, though. What a stupid lesson learned.

So, I think the big lesson learned is that drugs & alcohol are not healthy coping mechanisms because they only cause more problems. DUH. Why did it take me so long to figure that out?

Writer's Block: Top Three

What three qualities do you like most about yourself, and why? What qualities do you like least?

3 I like the most: 
- My ability to forgive.
- My constant struggle to better myself & my world & my relationships. To regenerate.
- An undying curiosity in the unknown; what is unknown to me, and the desire to learn forever, yet still know that I know nothing. 

3 I like the least: 
- My insecurities, mostly superficial, and the battle they cause me to have against myself, me against the world.
- No matter how much I've improved, it's never good enough for myself. So I've become lazy in trying to better things.
- My laziness has also caused me to have poor health, and I need to be around to raise my son, watch him grow, & to be the best wife I can be.

baby puppies & baby in my belly

these are the twelve puppies gracie (mom in law's black lab) had on christmas day. they are three weeks old in these pictures.

you can count all twelve if you look hard enough :)....there are eleven black labs & one chocolate lab. all survived, and the runt is the cutest! 

i love puppy faces :)

also, i hadn't taken any pictures of myself this pregnancy, so i took a few tonight. they're pretty lame, and i plan on taking better pictures (or having someone taking better pictures) of me later. i am exactly 29 wks today. don't mind my messy hair :) 

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you exist

dead or in jail

i'd much rather not work than work only to buy drugs & pay off past debts from buying drugs.
i'd much rather not go to school than go to school and do nothing with the knowledge because of preoccupation with drugs and addiction.

i'm finally happy. nothing is perfect, but i know now this IS where i'm supposed to be. and man, am i glad i didn't choose any other way. what a mistake i would have made. it took a while to realize some people come with unbearable baggage and inevitable pain, but once you disassociate yourself with those people, a huge weight is lifted. the world becomes new again, i can breathe again, and there are infinite possibilities.
sad day

i wanna remember to remember to forget you forgot me

pt 1.

Just forget what you cannot replace. This sweet day is almost weightless and new, So I talk but no one can relate to the fear I had when I was younger...cause somehow I knew I'd end up empty and alone. We all accept in the same tired way the gentle shift of continuous change and we confuse all the things that we say to ourselves with the things we say to each other, it's always a lie. But at least we find some comfort for awhile. So we'll start where the others left off,
get in our cars and embrace something new. Once you escape you will always get caught in the fear that what you had before was better and you will become sick with the dream of going back to the old.
(bright eyes)

50book Challenge

The first thirty are books I own. Rereading some, reading some for the first time. I promised myself I'd do this before I bought new books or checked out any from the library. My list is as flexible as the books availability to me.
The challenge starts today and ends December 1st, 2010.
I'll keep track of pages I've read, too. And I'll try to keep up with short reviews :)


  1. A Wrinkle in Time - Madeleine L'Engle
  2. Days With Frog and Toad- Arnold Lobel
  3. His Divine Grace - A.G. Bhaktivedania Swani Prabhupada
  4. The Dharma Bums - Jack Kerouac
  5. The Eagle's Quest - Fred Alan Wolfe
  6. The Holographic Universe - Michael Talbot
  7. The American Night - Jim Morrison
  8. Teachings from the Mani Retreat - Lama Zopa Rinpoche
  9. Mirror of Wisdom - Teachings on Emptiness - Geshe Tsultim Gyeltsen
  10. The Art of Dreaming - Carlos Castenada
  11. The Secret Life of Bees - Sue Monk Kidd
  12. The Unbearable Lightness of Being - Milan Kundera
  13. Mushroom Wisdom - Martin W. Ball
  14. Zen and the Art of Motorcyle Maintenance - Robert Pirsig
  15. Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs - Chuck Klosterman
  16. Learning to Love yourself - Sharon Wegsheider-Cruse
  17. The Self Matters & The Self Matters Companion - Dr. Phil
  18. World Mythology - Rosenberg (McGraw Hill)
  19. Mental Dynamics - Finley
  20. Taking the Quantum Leap - Fred Alan Wolfe
  21. Towards a New Brain - Litvak & Senzee
  22. Chaos - James Gleick
  23. The Celestine Prophecy - James Redfield
  24. The Tenth Insight - James Redfield
  25. The Divine Matrix - Gregg Braden
  26. Rock n Roll - The Famous Lyrics - Buchanan
  27. World Mythology - The Illustrated Guide - Willix (Oxford)
  28. All About Vegetables (Ortho Book Series)
  29. What to Expect When Expecting - Murkoff
  30. What to Expect - The First Year - Murkoff
  31. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
  32. Catch-22 - Joseph Heller
  33. The Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
  34. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
  35. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
  36. Animal Farm - George Orwell
  37. American Psycho - Bret Easton Hills
  38. Trainspotting - Irvine W
  39. Fight Club: A Novel - C Palahniuk
  40. Lolita - Vladimi Nabokov
  41. The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test - Tom Wolfe
  42. Food of the Gods - Terence McKenna
  43. Diary of a Drug Fiend - Aleister Crowley
  44. The Great Shark Hunt: Strange Tales from a Strange Time - Hunter S. Thompson
  45. Intelligence Agents (Future History) - Timothy Leary
  46. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
  47. Slaughterhouse-Five: A Novel - Kurt Vonnegut
  48. Prozac Nation: Young & Depressed in America - Elizabeth Wurtzel
  49. 2012: The Return of Quetzalcoatl - Daniel Pinchbeck
  50. Go Ask Alice - Anonymous

Alternates &/Or Extras:

  1. The Yoga of Time Travel: How the Mind Can Defeat Time - Fred Alan Wolf
  2. Laughable Loves - Milan Kundera
  3. Tao Te Ching - Lao Tsu
  4. A Long Strange Trip: The Inside History of the Grateful Dead - Dennis Mcnally
  5. The Tibetan Book of the Dead - Padma Sambhava
  6. The Rum Diary: A Novel - Hunter S. Thompson
  7. On the Road - Jack Kerouac
  8. Breaking Open the Head: A Psychedelic Journey Into the Heart of Contemporary Shamanism - Daniel Pinchbeck.
  9. I Am America (And So Can You!) - Stephen Colbert
  10. As I Lay Dying - William Faulkner
  11. A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius - Dave Eggers
  12. Johnny Got His Gun - Dalton Trumbo
  13. Eat Pray Love - Elizabeth Gilbert
  14. The Long Dark Tea Time of the Soul - Douglas Adams
  15. A Clockwork Orange - A Burgess
  16. The Invisible Landscape: Mind, Hallucinogens, and the I Ching - Terence Mckenna
  17. The Politics of Psychopharmacology - Timothy Leary
  18. Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human Societies
  19. Where the Sidewalk Ends - Shel Silverstein
  20. The Illuminati Papers - Robert Anton Wilson